The other day, I came across the name of the City of Pearland's City Secretary. The guy's name was Young Lorfing.
That is an awesome name. YOUNG LORFING. The guy is missing out on a tremendous opportunity to be a Norse God. ODIN! THOR! YOUNG LORFING!
Can you imagine what his commercials could be like if he ran for office?
"I'm Young Lorfing and I approved this message. Vote for me OR I WILL SMITE YOU WITH FIRE!"
Don't screw with Young, man.
June 30, 2008
June 26, 2008
Media Gore
I love it when politicians make public asses of themselves. Here's one of my favorite offenders -- Al Gore -- keeping it real in the hood:
Let's all take a moment to ponder the fact that THIS man was less than 600 votes from being the leader of the free world. Now his schedule busy with his speaking engagements (touting global warming) and keep his son (who bears a striking resemblance to Corky from "Life Goes On") from hauling drugs and booze around in his Prius hybrid.
Amuricka, we are in bit of mess. Our former second-in-command is now a member of Bone Thugz in Harmony.
Just think -- he almost won the presidency of the United States of America! But we went with the alternative and we are now paying $6 a gallon for gasoline. Do you know how much it infuriates me that Pres. Bush has made even THINK of alternatives when THIS is what we could have ended up with.
I think I speak for us all when I say: GOD BLESS AMERICA.
Now excuse me while go pour myself a gin-and-juice.
Let's all take a moment to ponder the fact that THIS man was less than 600 votes from being the leader of the free world. Now his schedule busy with his speaking engagements (touting global warming) and keep his son (who bears a striking resemblance to Corky from "Life Goes On") from hauling drugs and booze around in his Prius hybrid.Amuricka, we are in bit of mess. Our former second-in-command is now a member of Bone Thugz in Harmony.
Just think -- he almost won the presidency of the United States of America! But we went with the alternative and we are now paying $6 a gallon for gasoline. Do you know how much it infuriates me that Pres. Bush has made even THINK of alternatives when THIS is what we could have ended up with.
I think I speak for us all when I say: GOD BLESS AMERICA.
Now excuse me while go pour myself a gin-and-juice.
Yeah, I was a hero. Once.
I see that my wife has described me as some kind of superhero because I do the laundry and the dishes. I hardly think that makes me heroic. But, at one point in time, I was (so I’m told) a hero – and it had nothing to do with folding clothes.
Geez, and it was five years ago already. That’s messed up.
Anyway, here’s the deal. Back when I lived in Huntsville (background for non-Texans, moderate sized town, 30,000 people, home of the Texas Department of Criminal Justice and where people get executed) and was a reporter for The Huntsville Item, I supposedly did something brave. I was on my way to covering an execution – no kidding – and was moving rather slowly because traffic was congested.
I looked over to the left and a police officer I was friends with had pulled over a guy in a red Trailblazer. Wade apparently knew the guy and asked for permission to search the car, which he got. He found some prescription drugs in the car which the guy didn’t have a prescription for. When Wade went to cuff the guy, he spun around, punched Wade and pushed him to the ground.
I was near a parking garage, so for some reason I pulled in and got out. And started chasing after the guy who had just assaulted the cop.
Well, Mr. Bad Guy comes across the street and is coming right at me. I line this sucker up and I’m going take him down with a tackle that would make Dick Butkus jealous.
Then Wade yells, “STOP, YOU STUPID MOTHER***KER!”
So I did. Didn’t exactly occur to me that the other guy might be the stupid MFer in question.
Anyway, dude runs past me because I went flatfooted. So we chase him some more. This guy is doing a good pace, but his shorts are baggy so that’s a problem. I’m gaining on him some, but I’m wondering if I’m gonna run out of gas first.
Not a problem, as the idiot was running RIGHT TOWARDS THE POLICE STATION.
Four cops heard Wade’s radio call and came busting out, to have the guy fall right in their laps. Game over. But at least I got to help sit on him.
I went over the execution and that dude’s game was seriously over. Came back to the office to find out some other civilian had come over to the paper in my absence and had taken credit for single-handedly stopping the guy. Uh, bullshit – he wasn’t anywhere close. When my idiot assistant editor asked how I knew, I told him.
Yeah, front page the next morning, “Item Reporter helps catch alleged cop attacker.” Start the next Clark Kent jokes.
But standing there like an idiot when Mr. Bad Guy blows past me is apparently heroic. I have a plaque up on the wall at home honoring for my “Heroic Actions” on March 11, 2003.
They misspelled my last name.
But I was a hero. Once.
Geez, and it was five years ago already. That’s messed up.
Anyway, here’s the deal. Back when I lived in Huntsville (background for non-Texans, moderate sized town, 30,000 people, home of the Texas Department of Criminal Justice and where people get executed) and was a reporter for The Huntsville Item, I supposedly did something brave. I was on my way to covering an execution – no kidding – and was moving rather slowly because traffic was congested.
I looked over to the left and a police officer I was friends with had pulled over a guy in a red Trailblazer. Wade apparently knew the guy and asked for permission to search the car, which he got. He found some prescription drugs in the car which the guy didn’t have a prescription for. When Wade went to cuff the guy, he spun around, punched Wade and pushed him to the ground.
I was near a parking garage, so for some reason I pulled in and got out. And started chasing after the guy who had just assaulted the cop.
Well, Mr. Bad Guy comes across the street and is coming right at me. I line this sucker up and I’m going take him down with a tackle that would make Dick Butkus jealous.
Then Wade yells, “STOP, YOU STUPID MOTHER***KER!”
So I did. Didn’t exactly occur to me that the other guy might be the stupid MFer in question.
Anyway, dude runs past me because I went flatfooted. So we chase him some more. This guy is doing a good pace, but his shorts are baggy so that’s a problem. I’m gaining on him some, but I’m wondering if I’m gonna run out of gas first.
Not a problem, as the idiot was running RIGHT TOWARDS THE POLICE STATION.
Four cops heard Wade’s radio call and came busting out, to have the guy fall right in their laps. Game over. But at least I got to help sit on him.
I went over the execution and that dude’s game was seriously over. Came back to the office to find out some other civilian had come over to the paper in my absence and had taken credit for single-handedly stopping the guy. Uh, bullshit – he wasn’t anywhere close. When my idiot assistant editor asked how I knew, I told him.
Yeah, front page the next morning, “Item Reporter helps catch alleged cop attacker.” Start the next Clark Kent jokes.
But standing there like an idiot when Mr. Bad Guy blows past me is apparently heroic. I have a plaque up on the wall at home honoring for my “Heroic Actions” on March 11, 2003.
They misspelled my last name.
But I was a hero. Once.
A&M tackle the issues
M: Okay, today's topic: Should child rapists get the death penalty?
A: Uh...that's a little heavy.
M: Today's NEW topic -- What's the stupidest thing we spend money on?
A: Wow, where to start. Being stupid and spending money are two of my favorite pastimes, especially when coupled together.
M: (Snorts.)
A: What?
M: Nothing. Just amazed at your honesty. And I can't wait to see where this is going to go...
A: Bottled water.
M: Excuse me?
A: Bottled water. Certainly bottled water. We pay for the privilege of drinking water which is basically Huntsville city tap water. Why? Because it's easy. It's more simple than filling up a glass with our own water and reusing that glass. Whoever came up with bottled water is a damned genius. When I was 6, I tried to explain the merits of selling water in aluminum cans from vending machines and my teacher said I was stupid, that nobody would pay the same amount for water that they would for a soda when they could get it for free. Twenty years later, the answer is clear -- everyone is! Who's laughing now, bitch (Well, not me. I didn't get to do my science project)? Do we get assworms from our tap water? No! But we're still buying something that produces waste and fills up landfills. I think it's the most ignorant thing we do, and I'm not even a tree-hugger.
M: Lettuce. We never eat salads anyway. It just rots.
A: We? That's you and poppa-in-law. I just throw it away.
M: Dad eats his.
A: And if your dad jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge...
M: The lettuce would still go bad. What's your point?
A: A tree grows in Brooklyn. So does lettuce.
M: No, trees and lettuce both grow in Mexico.
A: So does Salmonella.
M: I didn't know we were discussing the merits of tomatoes. You eat them, at least.
A: Touche. But at least my vegetables don't rot.
M: No, they don't, but you have a nasty habit of forgetting to eat the peaches you buy.
So there you have it: Bottled water and lettus are the root of all evil.
A: Uh...that's a little heavy.
M: Today's NEW topic -- What's the stupidest thing we spend money on?
A: Wow, where to start. Being stupid and spending money are two of my favorite pastimes, especially when coupled together.
M: (Snorts.)
A: What?
M: Nothing. Just amazed at your honesty. And I can't wait to see where this is going to go...
A: Bottled water.
M: Excuse me?
A: Bottled water. Certainly bottled water. We pay for the privilege of drinking water which is basically Huntsville city tap water. Why? Because it's easy. It's more simple than filling up a glass with our own water and reusing that glass. Whoever came up with bottled water is a damned genius. When I was 6, I tried to explain the merits of selling water in aluminum cans from vending machines and my teacher said I was stupid, that nobody would pay the same amount for water that they would for a soda when they could get it for free. Twenty years later, the answer is clear -- everyone is! Who's laughing now, bitch (Well, not me. I didn't get to do my science project)? Do we get assworms from our tap water? No! But we're still buying something that produces waste and fills up landfills. I think it's the most ignorant thing we do, and I'm not even a tree-hugger.
M: Lettuce. We never eat salads anyway. It just rots.
A: We? That's you and poppa-in-law. I just throw it away.
M: Dad eats his.
A: And if your dad jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge...
M: The lettuce would still go bad. What's your point?
A: A tree grows in Brooklyn. So does lettuce.
M: No, trees and lettuce both grow in Mexico.
A: So does Salmonella.
M: I didn't know we were discussing the merits of tomatoes. You eat them, at least.
A: Touche. But at least my vegetables don't rot.
M: No, they don't, but you have a nasty habit of forgetting to eat the peaches you buy.
So there you have it: Bottled water and lettus are the root of all evil.
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